Sunday, November 12, 2017

Circle Jerks

Too many--
I would say thoughts,
but maybe it's more like emotions?
Maybe it's both;
Too many, too much--
I can't really discern through the fog of anger.

I want Louis C.K. to be treated fairly,
and I am fairly
certain
he is not.
I think women who thought he was gross
accepted his apology years ago
(years after the incident, incidentally)
and then shouted about how wrong it was
that he did the thing
he said was going to do--
the thing that they stayed and watched, while laughing,
after going back to his room for drinks.
I get that there is a level of Pressure there
that I probably don't get.
But how is making someone uncomfortable
at all the same as
a hand on a specific set of body parts 
(pushing, pulling, needing, kneading)?

I know that I would feel different if the man in question were repulsive to me,
but I would say that he wasn't repulsive to them intrinsically - 
they wanted something from him, too,
in that subtle way that life is a negotiation:
we get what we want from each other in many ways,
small and large,
pointed and subtle;
saying "please" and "thank you" gets us less spit in our hamburger,
for example,
while hugging a sad friend builds the trust and care between two people and benefits the hugger at some point--
some spectrum of this exchange is a part of so many aspects of life,
from the subconcious to the blatant.
They wanted what he had to offer (career boost) and they thought going back to his room and having a drink would lead to getting what they wanted;
instead he asked them if he could do something that is generally categorized as weird,
and they laughed because they didn't think he was serious,
and he began to undresss and do the thing he'd said he was going to do.
I can understand being surprised by this, and feeling yucky about it,
but after he called years later to apologize, why still throw it back at him?
It seems 
petty and spiteful.
It seems 
like an attention grab.
And I can't seem 
to let it go.
Because unfairness is so abhorrent to my prickly little sensors,
and because of something else, 
something I can't put my finger on, 
and so I go around and around with it,
parrying and retreating.

We have decided 
that people can decide 
so much about their own sexuality,
and that is beautiful, and wonderful, and we aren't even all the way there yet, I know,
but what about letting people have a little room for testing boundaries? 
It is unsettling to settle for 
wondering 
where those boundaries are 
as I navigate the waters myself
and attempt to usher so many sons through them, too.

Maybe I'm ruffled by the question 
"What if the roles were reversed?"
What if Lisa Lampanelli had masturbated in front of two handsome young men?
Would they be complaining?  
Maybe.
Or maybe not...
Maybe I feel like saying, 
"Why don't you talk to your therapist about how this made you uncomfortable, 
rather than ruining a guy's career because you couldn't deal??"
I just don't know.
I know that what he did is far away from 
what Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey did 
on the spectrum of misbehavior.
I know that he didn't assault anyone,
and that he thought that asking meant it was ok - 
the fact that he now realizes that was incorrect is not surprising to me; 
he is so insightful to the human condition, 
and it feels like the kind of thing he would have figured out as he matured, 
and figuring it out, he would have felt guilt,
which is what happened.

I go 'round and 'round.
I can't seem to solve this riddle.
The riddle of how to feel about this.
How to live in a world where a man like Louis 
can be villainized because some women he apologized to years ago 
decided to pile on to the "Hollywood is full of pigs" bandwagon....
fuck....around I go, again.
I worry that I can't feel settled about this because I'm wrong.
What if I'm wrong?
(or at least I suspect that all my fiercest, 
dearest friends would think so, if they knew
--knew that I don't condemn this man, that I adore him still)
What if I need to dig deeper and find unforgiveness for the man?
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I'm not wrong.
Because Louis isn't wrong.
Maybe I'm just grieving.
(denial, bargaining)
Maybe I'm just going to have to keep readingandthinkingandtalking 
about this until it stops feeling so bad.
Fuck.

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