Love

I am
a delicate arch
My sons
are the wind
and the rain
Relentlessly
wearing me away
I stand firm,
but am changed
They are stronger than I

Vibrance

I realize
that I probably shouldn't
dissolve into the wind
and wrap myself around
someone else's soul...
but it's hard to stay anchored
to my own
when the light pours out of another.

Fireflies

Sitting across from you
in this noisy restaurant
at the end of a busy, productive day
we are too hungry and
it is too loud
to push our voices
through the multitude of crashing soundwaves
and say the soft things
that rumble quietly around on our tongues.
Instead,
I study your sweet face.
I see in your eyes the fragile human light that shines in all of us,
so easy to take for granted
so easy to assume it is unextinguishable, permanent,
like your love for me,
or mine for you.
In that quiet bubble of time
(the duration of a single breath)
in the crush of voices
echoing off the hard surfaces of the low room  -
in that moment,
I felt the quavering ground beneath me,
of time that will pass,
time that is passing,
passing,
and soon will evaporate around us like steam.
One more breath, just a blink away from the abyss,
and then I was savoring you--
recalling all the love that you've shown me, today alone.
I know that you can sense my restlessness lately,
my pacing, growling impatience with the world around me -
my need for space,
my need for adrenaline rushes and
new experiences and sleeping late and smoking and drinking and boys.
One would think I'd had enough of boys,
because I've raised so many of them and married two,
but I have found that no matter how many I have,
I only ever want more.

Happy Non-iversary

It was twenty years ago, today...
---and if I were making an old-fashioned mix tape,
I would cut that line from Sgt. Pepper's
and place it first,
then maybe follow up with the opening spoken lines
of Let's Go Crazy,
but I'm not.
I'm not making a mix tape,
and I'm not celebrating.
Would we have made it?
Would we have been joyfully toasting
two decades of togetherness?
Or would we hate each other more -
or differently?
Maybe we would have fallen (back?) in love.
Maybe we would have dragged each other along
through this journey of life,
(reluctantly crouched at the starting line)
or, more accurately (but less mix tape-ily),
reluctantly approaching the finish line (of child-rearing, at least).
I don't know the answers to any of those questions.
I do know that I am still unable to forgive myself
and still unable to write to you.
It's too much, somehow.
It's too...intimate, too real.
If I write to you, then that means that I know (or expect) you to read these words.
And I am maybe not yet ready to write words that are actually for you.
They are still for me...
maybe all of the words
were always
for me.
Maybe that's the problem...
one giant piece of the selfishness puzzle.
But in any case...here I sit,
on what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary,
tired
fat
worried
(about work, the kids, the state of American politics),
and I wonder if you noticed the date.
I wonder if you even remember,
but of course you do.
Your memory is as sharp as your tongue used to seem to be.
I don't know if I got tougher,
or if our disentanglement is so complete that you can't hurt me anymore...
or, more realistically, that you just don't try to anymore.
An image of you as a wounded animal,
lashing out at the one causing you pain...
of course you wanted to hurt me.
Even when I was only loving you,
I was the atmosphere around you,
full of light and joy, but just
hovering
ready and able to end you.
Because you dared to love me,
and that gave me all the power...
too bad I never knew that.
Too bad I interpreted it all wrong,
and thought that you only loved controlling me.
Could it ever have gone differently?
Would I ever have seen the truths of either of us,
without fleeing to the edge of the continent
and hiding myself completely from you?
I don't know that I could.
I look back on that life and wonder why it wasn't enough for me.
All I can really see that makes any sense
is that I needed tenderness and compassion
and that it wasn't coming to me.
But why couldn't there have been a way for me to make us both happy?
The sad little truth of it
is that I may never be happy -
content.
Humans are not meant to have contentment, not really.
It feels good, but too much of it inhibits progress...

I just wish I had the courage to really write this,
to write it to you.

Our sons are you.
And I love them so much that it's impossible not to love you, too.
I wish you were here, but not like that...
just together and laughing and showing the kids that everything will be ok.
And maybe a part of me wants to go back to the breakup
and relive the gruesome pain of it all
because there is no way
that I've suffered enough
to deserve the goodness in my life now.
And I need you to know that you have -
you have suffered way more than enough
to deserve only goodness in your life now.
You always did deserve that.
As painful as it was to not get what I needed from you,
it was unquantifiably painful to not be able to give you what you needed from me.
I wanted you to feel safe and loved and fed...
I wanted to create the happy childhood for you that you never had.
And I wanted you to golf every single minute, because it made you feel good,
and you are so damn good at it.
(And I guess this must be deep because that's the first time I even swore...)
I miss your brothers,
and I miss the lightning storms crashing and flashing across the whole valley;
I miss the mountains and the giant sky;
I don't miss the fucking mormons,
or the arid air parching me from morning til night;
I don't miss feeling wrongly paired with you,
but I kind of miss fighting with you.

I am grateful for it all, though.
For what we taught each other,
and what we survived of each other.
I am grateful for the time we spent figuring out the world together,
and for the good times...
there were good times, right?
I am grateful for the two beautiful products of our DNA splicing together
and splitting and splitting and splitting
(and somehow not becoming conjoined in the womb
 - dyyyyying laughing at that memory);
and I know that there were good times.

I see it all a little more clearly now.
I see the sweet, innocent girl I was for 21 years.
I see the tiny amount of time that passed between living that life,
and discarding it all with bravado -
pretending to be a badass,
pretending to be tough, and cool...
and then I met you,
and you thought I had strenghth
because I showed you my teeth -
I was a tiny little mewling kitten,
puffing up its fur to the Rottweiler
(a strong, intelligent beast
whose eyesight maybe isn't so good,
because he believed that I was a tiger).
And there we were,
mismatched because I put on a show of toughness,
and all the while assuming that everyone else was as tender inside as I was.

Well, anyway.
I'm proud of you for all that you are,
and all that you've given to me and to the kids
back then,
and always.
I'm grateful that you are still out there,
sharing this part of the journey with me.

Saints and Sinners

I wonder...
what if you were my priest?
I think I would like it way too much.
I would consider becoming a nun just to be closer to you,
but instead,
I would put on my prettiest Sunday dress,
maybe something with flowers
or a long flowing skirt.
I would walk into the cavernous,
hushed space,
and make my way past the rows and rows
and rows
of empty pews
and slip into the confessional.
I would say the words you expected to hear,
then I would pause -
slow, deep breath.
Father,
I would say
(in a voice just above a whisper)
I have sinned.
You would say the words I expected to hear,
urging me to speak the sins aloud.
I would tell you, then.
I'm having impure thoughts, Father.
Night and day,
leaving no room for anything else.
I am consumed by images of skin - 
the back of a neck, the knuckles of a hand - 
I see the pieces of this man whenever I close my eyes.
You would tell me to recite poetry from the Bible
and expect that to clarify my cloudy soul.
I would come back the next week,
my cheeks flushed,
my hair wild.
Father.
I have sinned.
You are patient with me,
but you fail to see,
through the ornate screen between us,
that my eyes are filled with desire still,
and my shirt is unbuttoned lower than is decent.
I lean my head back against the wall
and close my eyes.
This man...
My voice trails off in a slight moan.
I need him.
Prayer isn't working,
nothing is working, Father.
You would speak softly, steadily
of virtue and modesty;
you pause, but when you start to speak again,
I rush on, telling my story -
I was out, having a glass of wine with a girl friend the other night,
and I saw a man who reminded me of him -
He had the same eyes, oh...those eyes...
Without a word,
I took this stranger's hand and led him away.
He smiled in surprise as
I pulled him into the shadows and opened his pants.
When he entered me I whispered your name...
Silence would fill the space between us, then.
The screen not nearly enough to hide what I had just laid bare.
I would hold my breath then,
wanting to run away and never come back,
but not daring to move.
I would start praying then,
for the first time with any sense of urgency,
and my lips would move with the silent words, my eyes tightly shut.
I would be so focused that I wouldn't hear you,
but then I would open my eyes
and see you standing before me.
The look in your eyes would be enough
to send my soul straight to a hell I don't believe in,
but I would stand
and press my lips to yours,
holding your face in my hands...
you would taste like heaven.
But then, I guess this is why I don't go to a church to worship.
Because...if you were my priest,
I would bring you to my religion.
I would disrupt,
make it all crash to the ground,
like Christ with the moneylenders
or Samson with his long hair...
And we have no priests in my religion,
but I would worship you if you came.

Exes and Ohs

Selfish,

you called me.

The most selfish person you'd ever met.

I recoiled,

angry - 

unwilling to wear this mantel you cast over me.

I remember the way my eyes darkened,

narrowed;

the way my jaw set in defiance.

How could he think that of 

me? I huffed.

Everything I do is for you

for our children - 

teaching them to count, 

to read, to ride bikes;

taking care of you all -

cooking your favorite foods,

cleaning all your clothes 

and all the rooms of our house -

all 4 goddamned bathrooms, 

and even your 

empty soda cans and 

empty cigarette packs

from the floor of your

empty

Mercedes.

All this, I do for You, 

the master of my destiny, 

but not the Captain of my soul.

I writhe under your steely grip,

agonizing over my loss of freedom.

I discard any notion
that you could be correct
about my degree of selfishness,
and press onward,
away from our life together.

But now...

a decade has passed,

in which we have been separated by cavernous distance 

and mostly silence.

And I finally realize

that you were right.

About so much.

But especially the selfishness.

I would expand that indictment to include

self-centered

self-obsessed

self-indulgent,

for starters.
I am all that you called me and more.

I would reach across the distance

and fill the silence with apologies.

Marr(i)ed Perfection

You are unrelenting 

in your criticism of me, 

and I of you 

I'll admit. 

But 

will you? 

Admit 

anything 

ever? 

Will you cede one inch, 

one millimeter? 

Will you allow me to be 

to breathe 

to express, 

and 

even more importantly 

will you ever hear me 

when I clearly state my needs?

Will you give me 

more than the sliver 

of our king sized bed 

that is left over 

after you've sprawled across it? 

Probably... 

I just have to ask.

I tried, and I tried, and I tried --

It’s like how I felt about my Volvo –

everything about it scratched one itch or another,

from the cradling leather seats,

to the turbo-charged purr of the engine;

from the memory button for the seat settings,

to the extra traction you could 

            turn on 

to supplement the all-wheel drive.

This Swedish marvel had windshield wipers 

that would sense the level of need 

    that you had for them, 

and maintain a clear windshield, 

whether a light drizzle or a downpour.

This vehicle of mine was the most satisfying
shade of sage green,

(like a pair of eyes you can't look away from).

It tickled every nerve ending in my body,

And filled me with a swell of delight –

I wanted to wrap my arms around it and kiss its hood,

Like a child with a favorite teddy bear.
I miss that car,
but not the life it was a product of.
I miss the cleaning ladies,
and the vacations,
but I don't miss the roar of dis
     satis
        faction
that echoed through me
from morning til night -
(it was loudest at night).
I don't miss pacing around in my gilded cage,
or shaking the bars
as I watched my dreams pass by
just out of reach.

Yeah...
you're kind of like that car, sometimes...

You, too?

Desire
    drips
through me.
When you are gone,
it is a raging torrent,
but when I am sated on you
when I am surrounded by your words
your smile
your gentle presence,
then
then is when
it drips, drizzles, hums
so low, so soft
that I feel buoyed by it
and carried along without need.
Then
you are far away and at first
(sigh)
at first
my desire stays dull and smooth,
I remain satisfied like a cat
with its mouth full of mouse,
but then I swallow
and begin licking my chops
chewing my lip
casting about for
you
as I stretch the limits of satisfaction -
empty
is my mouth
and soon
empty will be my heart
only to be filled with the aching rush of desire
for (absent) you.

Days of dreaming

I'm a big fan, he said. Will you sign my copy?
I love that they call you 'Hova,' she said. Can I make it out to 'Hova'?
He smiled, nodded.
I'm an atheist, but you're my kinda god, she said.
There is power in your words, your music.
They stepped through a set of open french doors then,
and the whole room was filled with white velvet -
the sofas and ottomans, the carpet, even parts of the walls;
there were peacocks wandering through the room,
and she blinked -
did you do this for me...?
He smiled, offering her his arm.
She took it, still looking up at him.
His eyes were warm, inviting.
She wanted to dive into them and be warm and safe, forever.
He started walking again, disrupting the mesmerization that held her.
She let him lead her along through this wide space,
this dreamy room she was sure she had seen before.
As they walked along,
she thought they were alone,
but then a high-backed chair swiveled around
and perched upon it was a man.
Seeing him made her smile;
he smiled back,
and with this gesture,
she could feel guitars start strumming,
softly from every direction,
like purple rain on a sunny day.
She paused and let it fill her.
I thought that was you, she whispered, or maybe just thought.
Her eyes closed,
and when they opened again,
the room was bathed in purple light.
She spun in every direction, looking for its source.
He was gone.
She turned back to her guide
to ask where the other had gone,
but he only smiled and moved onward.
They were climbing wide, spiralling stairs
for what seemed like both hours and the blink of an eye,
until they reached a plateau that was filled with so much green
she almost thought they'd found the Emerald City.
It was grass and trees, rolling hills and crushes of foliage;
she breathed deeply and ran her hand along the moss covering a boulder beside her.
Oh...
He squeezed her hand in agreement.
Yeah, we're almost to the best part, lil mama...
She half-smiled, a dreamy smirk -
Did you just call me 'mama'? 
That's what you are, aren't ya?
Yeah, I guess so, Z.
They walked through the forest for another millenia,
and then when she was just starting to wonder why she wasn't thirsty yet,
they saw a silvery light in a clearing out ahead.

            How long have we been here? she asked.

Always, he said.
That's what I thought.

All doped up

Caffeine
and I
are almost as incompatible as
self-restraint and I...
but not quite.
Caffeine is divine,
or makes me feel divine -
immortal, unstoppable -
unsleepable, at least.
Iced tea with lunch,
and at 10pm I feel like slumber is only for the weak.
Sleep is useless, unnecessary and a far away dream.

Timelessness

I gaze into the past,
and Tom Petty is alive, present -
it's a one-sided, almost-time-travel.
I watch Prince give a conspiratorial grin to George Harrison's son,
in a perfect reflection of his spirit - shy, mischievous.
He doesn't know it,
but he's still here,
still giving us greatness.
I want to climb through my computer's screen
and hold onto them until my heart stops racing.
They were gods.
They are immortal in a way the Greek, Roman, or Christian gods
never could be.

Should Monster

I should be working on
The Novel,
not composing little poems and ponderings for no one's benefit.
I should at least be scrubbing a toilet or dusting a light fixture.
I should be doing lots of things...
but it really depends on who you ask.
My mom?
Would tell you I should be more industrious,
and less indulgent;
she would say I should be going to church,
but that is not a place that exists for me anymore.
It is the unhappy ending to a fairytale
told by a monster or a witch -
and not the good kinds,
like you'd love because they were
    misunderstood.
No, this fairytale was written by monsters
who pretend they're the good guys,
and that if you never do anything you want to,
that after you die you'll be rewarded.
Utter nonsense.
Be kind, be good, be honest.
But be kind to yourself, too.
I don't believe in "shoulds," or "mustn'ts,"
and maybe you should
                                    n't either.

Rainy Haze of Spring

Wet and foggy trees lined the winding roads that led
to that happy place where the god-like woman
used her hands to melt my muscles and remold them.
In a purple haze, I drove,
then "Purple Rain" came on and I was stuck in my car,
even though it made me late.
I floated on Prince's notes
and settled on the table.
I kept thinking the phrases,
"So what's new? How've you been?"
but they never successfully crossed the bridge
between my cerebrum and my soft palate/teeth/tongue.
I was wrapped in my fuzzy purple mind,
remembering, reinventing, imagining.
I floated home
(or drove, probably),
and dipped back into the real world for the afternoon,
to dine and go to a movie,
then dissolved into my second favorite chair
and dialed my favorite number
for what turned into four hours of intense therapy
that felt like a dream, with so many giggles.
I am in balance.

Artful Nudes, in Watercolor

Sometimes,
the mood just strikes. Ya know?
Desire is a feathered vine winding through you,
whispering of orgasms to come,
so you take a moment,
and conjure one up.
Sometimes you have to improvise.
Slip into a darkened office,
your own backseat,
a bathroom stall.
Silence is key -
no moans must be emitted,
no panting.

And then the world recedes around me -
I am an iris folding in on myself
expanding and contracting
like the birth of a new universe.
I pause, and think of giant, vibrantly painted flowers.
I step out of my own mind and click "search."
Wait - now I am lost in a blackhole of Georgia O'Keeffe images
(do yourself a favor and click here to see what I saw
and bask in the light of her flowers and her stoically beautiful face).
I am smitten with her beauty
and the beauty she captured with her brushes,
but I'm caught slightly off guard by the nude photographs
of the artist as a younger woman than I usually picture her -
hard to tell, maybe in her 30s or 40s,
but the raw beauty of her in those forever frozen moments...
aaah...it's almost like magic
(or a chemical reaction on film exposed to light).
I see the inner spark in her-
defiance, ferocity, passion,
a dark storm somehow transforming
into a splash of bright flora -
and crave the ability to slip inside her mind,
her body
for just a moment.
I acknowledge that I feel pivoted
to new perspectives of her work
because of this new connection to her physical beauty -
I suddenly see her as a mortal
who had pain and joy and talent and struggle
and was maybe
just a little bit
in love with the pussy.
I mean, jesus.

Not that we can blame her;

it is a wonder to behold.

And for that matter so is the cock.

But I digress....

     where was I?

Ah, yes -

the portraits of the artist -
they stir in me deeper thoughts,
maybe self-loathing.

Maybe I resent the giant leaden anchor I feel

holding me fast against all the ocean's currents,

snaking its way to my hull and keeping me in place -

the anchor that ties me
not to a point of coordinates on a map,

but to a point of relating to the world:
that you don't matter unless you're beautiful.
It's painful to face this indictment.
I've been so sure of this,
but here, in this instance,
I am sure that 

I have it all wrong -
one imbues the other -
Tom Petty's sexiness is derived directly from his music, right?
There is a balance in him, maybe in us all.

And maybe that's why,
in just the right light

at just the right angle

on a good day

I can see echoes of beauty in myself

(but then a slight shift of the protons and neutrons 

and the illusion dissipates).
But I've chosen to pretend I'm beautiful anyway,

which propels me to imagine great things -

or maybe not lofty things,
but dirty, glorious things,

and sweet, strange things -

and to believe that what I have to say matters.

The Mighty Buuuk!

Starshine

Come with me, she said.

We can smoke, 

then lie on the grass and look at the stars. 

I bet you know things about stars...

He smiled at first, but then stepped away a little,

not quite letting her hand rest on his shoulder.

I gotta go...he said.

She stepped near again, ready to drop all pretenses and say what she really meant.

She was ready to let him see her.

He...
he let her stand there,
inches from his face.

He let himself feel her breath on his neck as she looked up at him.

She started to speak,

but instead she sighed, chewed her bottom lip as her brows furrowed,

and stepped back.

Some other time, I guess. She shrugged and dropped her eyes.

She was just shifting her weight to one foot so she could step backward,

when his hands were in her hair and he was drawing her mouth to his.

Swallowed

She feels like a dog snarling against a muzzle - 

she can't get the satisfaction of a good chomp, a good howl. 

Maybe that's just a by-product 

of her inability 

to obtain 

the object of her desire. 

She feels like a cat chasing a laser dot:

it's exhilarating for a while, 

but she never gets to sink her teeth into it, 

and this makes her growl with foot-stomping frustration. 

Tantrums...

for her
and 

      her kitty.

And so, instead of growling,

she takes a moment.

She breathes in slowly,

and out again,

creating some distance...

*
     *
   *
        *

Imagine leaning in to tell him

something mischievous,

and lightly cupping his face in one hand 

as you breathe/giggle words close to his ear.

Imagine the sparkle in your eyes

igniting the sparkle in his.

Maybe he would cock an eyebrow

as if to say, you can't be serious?

But

imagine that you were.

Imagine replying with a slight nod,

a mostly-suppressed grin,

before you turn and bound away.

Or, imagine rounding a corner

and nearly walking into him.

Imagine pulling him down the narrow aisle,

between the stacks of boxes and shadows.

Imagine him pressing the full length of his body against you,

and taking your face in his hands 

with the slight shake of his head 

before he covers your mouth with his

(as if he can't believe 

you've created this little pocket of devouring need, 

to be filled whenever and wherever you can).

Back up,

and imagine

in delicate detail

the feel of his mouth on yours.

Imagine his lips pressing, 

his tongue darting;

imagine sinking into the kiss

like a lifeboat.

Imagine stumbling back into the world

with shaky breath and wild eyes (and hair),

blinking your way back to an appearance of normalcy.

I'm not sure that imagining 

        like this

is at all helpful to the pursuit of freedom from desire.

There is a fine line between enjoying the tension it creates,

and being engulfed by it entirely...

You need to rein it in,

you know you do.

But maybe you want to push it a little further first.

Maybe you want to be the one to shove against a wall,

and maybe you want to pull a face to yours,

and maybe you would sink to your knees 

before he'd even figured out how the kiss happened

and maybe you would try to swallow him whole,

because maybe

that would satisfy your need.

Maybe.

Diamond Fork, 1997

Something about the smell
of the cashews and the dark chocolate
sent me through a wormhole –
and I landed in the mountains of Utah,
the smell of sulfur from the hot springs
having mostly faded into the scent of pines
and smoke.
The day having mostly faded into evening,
obscuring the faces of the laughing voices
connected to the naked bodies soaking in the warm pool of this river –
rolling like an avalanche, coming down the mountain.
We all floated in the warm, minerally water,

and on clouds of smoke.

Me n Jay-Z

I have far fewer than 99 problems

but one of them

(at this moment)

is the inability

of crunching on carrots

to satisfy my urge

to feel the slow melt

of rich chocolate

on my tongue.

But here I am,

counting problems

and calories

like some basic

bitch.